Have I really not posted since November 2009?

Dude, I am pretty certain that I am the worst blogger in the world. Will blogging go the way of so many other dropped "hobbies?" You know, the electric guitar (currently a hobby cliche as it sits in the attic) , train set (in some landfill somewhere) , Xbox (donated to Goodwill).......on and on. Yeah, I have the attention span of a gnat.

Movies of 2009

2009 was one of those years when I saw a lot of movies at the theatre and surprisingly, I enjoyed a good portion of them. I definitely missed a few along the way that would more than likely be near the top of my list (Dead Snow, The Hurt Locker, 500 Days of Summer) and thankfully I have missed a bunch of crap ( are you hearing me Land of the Lost, Old Dogs, Year One, and Watchmen?). And, yes, there are still several releases in the month ahead that I will no doubt be viewing (The Road, Avatar, and Sherlock Holmes).

Below is how I would rank the movies that I have watched in 2009 (2009 releases only). Most of these films I saw with my wife in the theatre, but a few we have caught on DVD or I have watched in a hotel while traveling.

This represents about $1,000 in movie-going expenses for the year, so I expect an Obama bailout on this necessary economic stimulation. Give me a call, Barry...maybe we can catch a movie sometime? YES WE CAN!

Five Star Movies - The Year's Best

Zombieland

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Inglourious Basterds

District 9

Up

Drag Me to Hell

Orphan

Four Star Movies - Better than most (but calm down, fanboy)

Terminator Salvation

Star Trek (remake)

The Hangover

The Last House on the Left (remake)

Taking of Pelham 123 (remake)

Whip It

Three Star Movies - Worth seeing but don't pay for your date (unless hot)

Where The Wild Things Are

The Informant

My Bloody Valentine 3D (remake)

Observe and Report

The Collector

A Perfect Getaway

The Final Destination 3D

Halloween 2

Sorority Row (sort of remake)

Jennifer's Body

Paranormal Activity

Bruno

Saw VI

The Box

Two Star Movies - Hey, at least you got out of the house

Whiteout

The Stepfather (remake)

Friday the 13th (remake)

Pandorum

The Fourth Kind

Deadgirl

The Unborn

One Star Movies - Total Bullshit

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

The Haunting in Connecticut

Night at the Museum 2

The Uninvited

Movies to watch this Halloween - Part 4: The Slashers

I am a child of the '80's, which means I have tight rolled some pants, used hair spray, tried to breakdance, and learned the value of family primarily from sitcoms. It also means that I began watching horror movies during the golden age of the slasher film. I remember scouring through the HBO and Cinemax monthly programming guides looking for horror movies (this movie watching took place in-between having to be a test subject for my brothers wrestling moves). Hated me some "figure four leg locks" but loved me some slasher films.

So, in the fourth installment of "Movies to Watch This Halloween," I bring you five killer slasher films. Since "Halloween" was already on list #1, no need to add it here. But, it is easily the best slasher movie of all-time.

1. Friday the 13th Part 2

While the first Friday the 13th started it all, the 2nd installment is a superior (and much scarier) slasher film. It marks the first starring role for Jason Vorhees, who is such an endearing character that he continues to be in movies 30 years later. Yes, we love Jason, because just like us, he wants to kill naked women, live in a shack, rise from the dead, and wear the same clothes for 3 decades. Right? Just a new mask here or there, maybe allow your face to melt into a blob of goo, and you too can be a movie star. In this horror classic, Jason chooses to wear a sack, which due to some teenage vision issues, requires only one eye hole.

Seriously, this is a scary freakin' movie.

2. Saw

Yes, they may have ruined the impact of this movie by making annual sequels, but the first Saw was a pleasant and groundbreaking surprise. It was intense, dark, gory, and had one hell of a shocking ending. If you have never seen this movie, what in the hell is your problem? Seriously, you've slunk low enough to read the 4th installment of some unknown dude's list of horror movies and you have not seen Saw? THAT ENDING IS THE SHIT.

Jigsaw is a welcome member of the Slasher Hall of Fame.

3. Scream

By the end of the 1980's, the slasher film was as good as dead. Horror movie makers had gotten lazy with an endless supply of silly sequels and filmgoers responded by ignoring the genre completely. Two things helped rescue horror movies - an upswing in the quality of direct-to-DVD genre films and Scream. Who else but Wes Craven to give the horror industry the shot in the arm it needed.

The opening scene with Dew Barrymore had my jaw on the floor - welcome back slasher films! The cast was brilliant (think about all of the stars in this one - I mean, they guy who played Shaggy!), the soundtrack trendy and effective, the Fonz gets gutted, and it's self-aware approach kept it from taking itself too seriously. Do you like scary movies? You bet your Rose Mcgowen's tits in a tight sweater I do.

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street

I remember going to the theatre with my brother Wilmer and my Mom to see this one. I had no idea what it was, I just knew it was a horror movie and that since we were with my Mom, we would get Junior Mints. I left the theatre a terrified 14 year old kid - this after growing up seeing The Shining as a 10 year old, Phantasm as a 9 year old, and all of the Friday the 13th movies to-date. Freddy Krueger blurred the lines of fantasy and reality and opened up a new arena for stalking - your dreams. A burned up child molester comes back to haunt the offspring of his killers while slashing them with a razor glove. A fucking razor glove. HOLY CRAP! A burned up dude is going to avenge the sins of my parents by killing me in my sleep with a razor glove?????

Welcome to your teenage years, Eugene!

5. Sleepaway Camp

While not a technically proficient movie, this one is a lot of fun and has quite a surprise ending. The deaths are original and nothing says "slasher film" more than a campsite setting. Yes, one could make a valid claim that this movie is total crap, but that know-it-all would deserve to be burned by a huge pot of boiling water, or drowned in a lake, or locked in a stall with a swarm of bees, hacked to bits by an axe, or have a curling iron shoved up their hey-nanny-nanny.

Yeah, Sleepaway Camp is cool. AND THAT ENDING!!!

Movies to watch this Halloween - Part 3: B-Movie Gross-out Laughfests

Continuing to suggest 25 horror movies to watch this Halloween, for this installment I bring you some lesser known films. I wouldn't say they are B-films, these are better than that. These movies are crazy - gross, funny, and plain weird.

1. Re-animator

I must have really liked horror movies from he 1980's, as the decade of greed is well represented on this list. This 1985 classic, director by horror legend Stuart Gordon, is a memorable film that will have you laughing your ass off. One of the world's greatest actors, Jeffrey Combs is perfect as film's best mad scientist since Dr. Frankenstein.

2. Blood Diner

Here's the plot: Two cannibalistic brothers kill various young women to make their flesh part of their new special dish at their downtown restaurant while seeking blood sacrifices to awaken a dormant Egyptian goddess.

Don't be scared by a 3.7 IMDB score, sometimes people just don't "get it." How can you not like a movie that has such memorable lines as ""Hey baby, right before I stick my big sausage in you.. what do they call ya?"

3. Brain Damage

Brian is possessed by a parasitic organism that injects him with mind altering drugs in exchange for brains. Aylmer, the "brain" is one of the best evil characters in movie history. How do films like this fly under the radar? It's gross, it's funny, its AWESOME! Tagline: "It's a headache from Hell!"

4. Dead Alive

This 1992 film is also known as "Braindead." It is EASILY Peter Jackson's most interesting film and far more deserving of Oscar consideration than the bloated LOTR trilogy. OK, maybe it isn't that kind of movie, but it is an unquestionable good time! Seriously, you owe it to your funny bone to check this one out.

5. Slither

This 2006 theatrical release has us in stitches! Not exactly as "B-movie" as the other 4 on this list, it fits right in with its hilarious approach to grossing you out. Michael Rooker delivers the performance of a lifetime as a man infested by an alien presence. Great performance by Elizabeth Banks as his wife. Hubba Hubba!!!!

Movies to watch this Halloween - Part 2: The Vampires

Continuing the 25 movies to watch this Halloween, let's look at this year's "flavor of the month" and come up with five Vampire Movies to watch this season. Here are my five recommendations. And yes, you can make a vampire movie without it being all faggy and stuff.

1. Fright Night

This 1985 treat is one of my favorite movies of all time. Good old Charley Brewster suspects his new neighbor of being a creature of the night, but no one will believe him. Thus he and his foxy girlfriend enlist a television personality, Peter Vincent (played brilliantly by Roddy McDowall) to assist. It's funny, has solid gore, and is one of the best horror movies of the 1980's. Special kudos to Stephen Geoffries as "Evil."

2. Let The Right One In

This creepy Norwegian coming of age story transcends the horror genre and delivers quite a dramatic punch. Twilight fanboys, enjoy your Dawson's Creek, as this vampire film captures the true spirit of conflicted teenage love in a much more convincing way. One of my all-time favorites.

3. The Lost Boys

Its tagline: "Sleep all day. Party All Night. Never Grow Old. It's fun to be a vampire." Jami Gertz looking hot. Great soundtrack. The Coreys. The Frog Brothers. A scene with a shirtless buff guy playing the sax! Man, this movie totally rocks. If you have somehow missed this one, get it NOW.

4. Near Dark

Silently, the 1980's was a great decade for vampire movies. Kinda funny when you think about how much more popular vampires are right now and how ignored this film is. First of all, it has Lance Henriksen in it. Can it really be any better than that? How about Bill Paxton? Yeah, its that good - and does a great job doing away with some of the lame vampire rules without getting too far-fetched.

5. Nosferatu

I'm not trying to be Mr. Film Historian here, but this 1922 silent classic is a much-watch for Vampire fans. I only have one thing to sum this one up - that shit is CREEPY AS HELL!

Honorable Mention - Buffy The Vampire Slayer (TV series)

Looooooove me some Buffy!

Movies to watch this Halloween - Part 1: Seasonal Delights

The weather outside has dipped below 90 degrees here in Virginia, so you know that Fall is here. College football games? Done it. Fall Festivals? Been there. Now, the real fun begins, because the greatest holiday in the world is two weeks away. Bring on Halloween! Candy, costumes, decorations, haunted houses, and old horror movies on television all combine to make this the best season of the year. I can already hear the Christmas apologists lining up to espouse the virtues of America's most celebrated holiday, but you can shut your pie hole, because you are defending a bloated and misunderstood debt fest. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Christmas (and it's my wife's favorite), but there is something so delightfully unnecessary about Halloween. And plus, Christmas is about birth, peace, and family. Halloween is about ghosts, murder, pranks, and candy.

OK, so we have 13 days until Halloween, which gives you an opportunity to watch, in my opinion, about 25 horror movies. with so many quality scary movies worthy of your viewing time, I thought I would suggest 25 horror movies that will help set the mood this holiday season. While not a ranking of he 25 best ever - that's for another day, this is 25 that will motivate you to kidnap children, slip razor blades into apples, and throw toilet paper in your neighbors' yard.

I'll start with 5 Halloween themed films:

1. Halloween

The classic. John Carpenter's masterpiece excels on so many levels. The score is tense, the violence is realistic, and this movie is still capable of creeping me out 25 years and dozens of viewings later.

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Not scary, but great for the whole family. Usually they replay this one on IMAX this time of year, you should totally check it out. The wife has never seen this one, so I can pass it off as a Christmas movie. This one is a lot of fun and a perfect of example of the genius of Tim Burton.

3. Trick R Treat

This long-delayed new release (now available on DVD) is a Halloween-themed anthology that is quite entertaining.

4. Night of the Demons

A 1980's guilty pleasure dying to be discovered by you this Halloween. WARNING: boobies all over the trailer. Which to me, doesn't say WARNING, it says WATCH ME.

5. Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

Yes, its another Halloween franchise movie, but this is the one without Michael Myers. And you know what kids, that is not a bad thing. Check this one out, its creepy, funny, has melting heads, and a star with a great mustache!

And sing along with me: "Thirteen days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Thirteen days til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!"

Bath house humor!

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