A couple of years ago, while hosting a remote for the Georgia Spring Football Game at the
UGA Bookstore with the local sports radio station 960 The Ref, I was invited to be on the air for a few minutes. Rather than slink low enough to talk about the Bulldogs, I presented to them my 2007 Major League Baseball "All Fat Guy Team." Of course the roster had Prince Fielder, David Weathers, Matt Stairs and other portly inspirations. I tried to come up with a team that would win games as opposed to just out-eat its opponents, so there was some focus on quality.
Yesterday, Haley and I went to Camden Yards to watch the Baltimore Orioles host the Washington Nationals.
Yeah, I realize that driving 3 hours to see two last place teams duke it out might seem like a wasteful time, but I love baseball and Camden Yards is one of the 3 or 4 best places to enjoy a baseball game. While leaving, I saw a picture of a 30-something
Eddie Murray, a long-time Oriole great, looking a bit thick in the middle. After making the comment, "that guy was awesome, but look how chubby he was," it got me thinking about fat baseball players.
So what I have decided to do is come up with a Dream Team of "Hefty Players." I've set myself a few rules; after all, a world without rules could get out of control. I am going to come up with a 25 man roster, made up of 15 position players and 10 pitchers. All of these players had to play in the "Jeremy era," which means 1989-2009 (the years I watched a lot of baseball). I am going for both performance and weight - I want the fattest and most capable baseball players.
Outfielders:
Center Field: This is usually the position in the outfield that requires speed, agility, athleticism. By the very nature of this team, that's a tough draw, but it just so happens that we have a Hall of Fame member to play center field - Kirby Puckett.
Puckett, roughly five feet tall, was the motor behind the 1991 World Series Champion Minnesota Twins (they beat the up-and-coming Braves, who were one season away from breaking my heart and stealing Greg Maddux from the Cubs). After that, he lost vision in one eye, gained another 200 pounds,
punched and imprisoned a woman, and was rumored to have
performed lewd public acts, to include public masturbation. Kirby passed away at the age of 45, but we are glad to have him on our team.
Left Field: Every team needs a few "good character" guys, especially when you have Puckett dragging women into the bathroom and groping them, and the game has never had a nicer dude than Tony Gwynn.
In spite of being built like a shop teacher, Tony slapped enough hits to also become a Hall of Famer. Gwynn ended his career with more than 3,100 hits, played in the All-Star game 15 times, and led the league in hitting 8 times. Gwynn was the true definition of "professional" and I have nothing bad to say about him. He did, however, put on a few more pounds since his playing days.
Right Field: Dmitri Young is another one of those "troubled soul" kind of players, having battled alcoholism, weight problems that led to diabetes, and
he may have assaulted a lady or two. To his credit, Dmitri seems to have gotten his life back on track and came back to win the 2007 Comeback Player of the Year Award w/ The Nationals. I like his .292 career average, nearly .400 OBP, and great head of hair.
Other Outfielders:
Matt Stairs
John Kruk
Andruw Jones
Third Base: This requires a bit of a position change. Due to weight gain (on THIS team???),
Miguel Cabrera has recently been switched to First Base for the Detroit Tigers. Cabrera was the 2003 Rookie of the Year and would provide this group of lard-asses some much needed youth, versatility, and a would probably update the snack collection in the clubhouse. He practices
Santeria, which confirms that he is not the subject of
Sublime's song "What I Got."
I have Miguel being backed up by Braves "great" Ken Oberkfell (the infield is going to be tough to fill). Oberkfell personifies the worst era of Braves baseball (mid to late 1980's)...well, him and Rick Mahler...and Zane Smith....and Ozzie Virgil.
First Base/DH: Oh my, what a competitive position first base and DH is on this particular team.. Let's face it, teams like to stick their fat guys at First Base. They did it in
"Major League 3: Back to the Minors," and they do it in real life. I considered Andres Gallaraga, Moe Vaughn, David Ortiz...oh man are DH and 1B great places to stick those guys. Instead, I have chosen to keep it "all in the family" and use
Cecil and Prince Fielder as my First Basemen. I cannot even imagine how much food needs to be around at a Fielder family reunion. Luckily for the local supermarket cashiers, the
two do not seem to get along that well.
Hard to believe that Cecil once hit more than 50 home runs in a season. Oh how I miss the pre-steroid days...
And for Designated Hitter, I'm gonna go with Steve Balboni. I think that this guy rotated my tires a couple of weeks ago. There are certainly better players than "Bye Bye" Balboni; after all, his career .229 average is not going to set the world on fire, but the Fielder family would get most of the DH at-bats and after all, someone has to drive the bus to the airport.
Catcher: In the movies, like
Sandlot and
The Bad News Bears, the fat kid is stuck at catcher. I always find that to be ridiculous, because Catcher seems like a tough gig - lots of squatting, standing, tons of equipment. Well, no worries, I had plenty of "big boned" athletes to choose from. I could have gone with "Pudge" Rodriguez, but his shape doesn't completely back up the promise of his name. Each team needs two catchers, so I'm gonna go with:
Mike Lavalliere. No, he never really put up huge numbers (only 18 home runs in 12 years), but his nickname was "Spanky." This team needs a guy named Spanky. Plus, his middle name is Eugene.
My 2nd string catcher also failed to put up great numbers, but look at this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my all-time favorite Cubs,
Hector Villanueva. Hector only played a few years (somehow, this 260+ lb dude stole a base!), but Cubs fans loved him and our Tubby Team likes the addition of another mustache. A great memory I have of Hector was
Harry Caray, drunk off his ass by the 7th inning, unable pronounce his name. It came out like "ville-na-yuasha." I miss Harry,
I seriously miss Harry.
Middle Infielders: This was my toughest position to fill. After all, middle infielders tend to be the smallest guys on the field. We can get some games out of Oberkfell (yikes) and Cabrera should there be any injuries (what, a team of fat guys getting hurt), but I had to settle a bit in the infield.
Jose Vidro has been a decent player and as he has aged, tended to DH. But, we need a 2nd baseman and he's hit the buffet more than most of them, so he gets the job. I like his career .298 batting average.
How Christian Guzman still plays in the infield is beyond me, but tubs is still at it and still hitting better than .300.
Starting Pitchers
Sidney Ponson
David Wells
Livan Hernandez
C.C. Sabathia
Bartolo Colon
Actually, I've got the makings of a pretty good rotation, with several 20 game-winning seasons, a Cy Young award, and plenty of body fat. I would hate to be a Ci-Ci's Pizza if these guys came in. But, I like my rotation.
Relief Pitchers
We have the makings of a very strong bullpen - a dead guy, a guy with six fingers, a pink goatee, and a burning appetite for a case of Twinkies.
Rod Beck
Rod is one of my all-time favorite Cubs, a huge part of their late-90's success (man I loved the team with Sosa, Morandini, Wood, Beck), but Rod was a troubled man who
passed away a few years ago. I remember fondly the year he tried out for the Cubs, was sent to AAA Iowa and
lived in a Winnebago. Every team could use a guy like that, especially a team of fat dudes. R.I.P Shooter, you were The Shit.
Rich Garces "El Guapo"
Bobby Jenks
"Because every team needs a pink goatee"
Antonio Alfonseca
This guy actually has six fingers on each hand. Only in baseball.
Eddie Guardado
"Steady Eddie" pitched for like 100 years and we need a lefty.
So there you have it, my "Two-Ton" team. What we lack in speed we make up in heart (attacks). We have a good rotation, a solid bullpen, weak infield (except first and third), and some dead guys. I'd say 95 wins - easily.
